Wednesday, December 29, 2010

How Do You Measure a Year?

In 2010 I...

...survived two semesters of college.
...attended the funeral of one of the best men I've ever known.
...made the best reference book purchase EVER.
...had more mind opening experiences than I asked for.
...watched the Olympics and made a snow family with friends.
...wrote three epically awesome songs with my best friend.
...watched my favorite cousin get married in Minnesota
...and got eaten by massive Minnesotan mosquitoes.
...celebrated my best friend's 18th birthday extravaganza.
...ruined half my clothes painting a house
...and wore paint covered clothes long after they should have been thrown away.
...successfully and finally forgave two friends who hurt me very much.
...read. And read and read and read some more.
...wrote. Journals, essays, blogs, poems, text messages, with varying levels of time consumption.
...watched two friends go from friends to dating to engaged to married!
...changed my major.
...fell out of love
...and into friendship.
...fell out of friendship and into lust
...but quickly backed back into friendship
...and then flirted with the oh-so-tempting possibility of lust.
...made new friends.
...kept some old friends.
...dropped some old friends
...and wasn't sad.
...but was sad about not being sad.
...went to my first seriously professional concert.
...preached one (1) really really awful sermon and two (2) decent sermons.
...overcommited myself (again) (by accident).
...met one of my favorite authors and made a complete idiot of myself, but got him to sign one of my...er... his books.
...became more comfortable being uncomfortable.
...realized that I'm a fairly normal human being.
...reveled in this fact.
...started volunteering at an afterschool program.
...cried an acceptable amount for a young woman of my level of emotional maturity.
...turned twenty
...and was promptly reminded how young I really am.
...disagreed in a discussion with an adult who wanted me to agree with him very badly.
...moved on and circled back around.
...laughed. Just a bit for good measure.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Life in the Middle

You are born, you live, and you die in the middle. Certainty is hard to come by and even harder to hold on to. You come from the deep south; morality is black and white: if you claim to be a Christian (and who doesn’t, down here?) then your life will look a certain way. You won’t drink—alcohol is verboten. Boys are only after one thing and as a girl, you can’t give in. If you do, you’re a slut and your partner gets a firm admonishment… and a wink and a smack on the butt in the locker room. And if you get pregnant? There’s a place for people like you: alternative school. Cursing is another no-no. Homosexuality is wrong, a sin of the worst order, and if you think you might be gay? Then prepare yourself for the life of an outsider. Only bad people do drugs—but if you made some mistakes in high school, then we’ll be prepared to forgive you as long as you don’t mind parading your dirty laundry in front of younger kids as a warning against following your path. Only bad people do drugs—and if you’re still doing them now then there will be no grace. You’re a Republican, of course. Those Democrats believe in killing babies and they might even be communists.
And theology is equally black and white. You’re a Christian, because you’re a Republican. You believe in the separation of church and state (as long as everyone acknowledges that the United States was founded on Judeo-Christian principles and that the founding fathers were Christians just like you). The biggest debate in your life is creationism versus evolution. You scoff at global warming. The Bible is a literal, historical document, the infallible word of God, inspired by the Holy Spirit. You might play at being a liberal Christian. You might read books to annoy your parents like Is It Okay to Call God Mother? and Theology in a New Key: Responding to Liberation Themes and maybe you even incorporate some of what they say into your walk with God.
But then you go to college and make friends with a man who has a husband and a hobby of cross-dressing. You start befriending people who exercise their right to drink lots of alcohol. Your professors admit to believing in a non-literal creation story. You find yourself crushing on a man who confides to you his history with sex, drugs, and rock ‘n roll. And who freely admits to his experimentation with the full gamut of illegal substances with little to no remorse. You room with a girl who is probablymostlikely sleeping with her boyfriend and who has no shame about it. Another girl on your hall says, “Yeah, I’m having sex with him but we’re married in God’s eyes so it’s all right, okay?” And you’re flirting with your personal favorite addiction again.
And you attend a Bible college.
You sit with him in Bible classes and listen to your professor read the Sermon on the Mount: “You are the light of the world.”
You laugh with her in the caf and in the coffeehouse.
You cry with her in private and share the hurts of your heart with her and you listen to hers.
You sit with him in chapel.
You worship next to him, you take communion with her, and you love them.
You are born, you live, and you die in the middle, and there’s nothing you can do about it. You live in a world of shades, a world where black and white fade into unnameable hues. You try to contain this awful gray within what you know about God. “God is light and in him there is no darkness at all.” You lose yourself in the middle ground. You lose yourself in between what you’ve always thought to be right and what your experiences teach you. You lose yourself in between your cut and dry morality and the murky gray you live in.
People are simple, says your friend, and you want to believe him, but you can’t see the simplicity for all these hellish contradictions.